


In the Middle

by darlingreadsalot



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Balance in the Force (Star Wars), F/M, First Order is not so bad and Resistance is not so good, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Dyad (Star Wars), Gray Jedi Ben Solo, Gray Jedi Kylo Ren, Gray Jedi Rey (Star Wars), HEA, Politician Ben Solo, Reylo - Freeform, Scavenger Rey (Star Wars), Work towards Peace
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29761806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingreadsalot/pseuds/darlingreadsalot
Summary: After Crait, the First Order, led by Kylo Ren had taken great strides in their course to gain control of the galaxy. He no longer acted like the unstable weapon of Snoke that only destroyed. And the longer Rey of Jakku remained with the Resistance, the more she began to question her choice to become like the mythical Jedi of old as the mission began to no longer make sense. Did she make a mistake turning down Kylo's offer and will she have an opportunity to change the course of their future? Can she continue to deny how she feels about him?
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8
Collections: The 50 Shades of Rey





	In the Middle

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to AliCat114 for your beta work on this.

She was tired. Not just in the physical sense—but mentally as well. The fighting between the First Order and the Resistance was really beginning to grate on Rey. She felt more drained with each passing day. 

After the disappointment she felt from seeing Ben on Crait, Rey put everything she had into training with Leia and working alongside the Resistance. But as the days passed, the more Rey began to question herself and everything she'd learned about the Galaxy. She was starting to wonder what her role was expected to be as the two groups continued to oppose the other. The anger had still been there, the feelings of loss and regret were companions that Rey was unable to leave behind.

The First Order had been making strides in gaining support from systems that had been marginalized by the New Republic’s rule. Their success did not come from using force or violence to dominate—they offered assistance and used diplomacy. 

Confusion spread through the ranks of the Resistance as the First Order's tactics in warfare had changed since Kylo Ren became the Supreme Leader. They did not know how to effectively thwart an opponent that no longer used brutality to further their goals. Rey was less surprised at the revelation, and it appeared that Leia was no more affected by the news than Rey. She wondered if he always had an instinct with politics but was unable to fully get involved because he was sent away to Luke.

After the embarrassment Ren suffered on Crait, he needed to make up for Skywalker’s distraction. And he did. He proved his legacy as a Senator's son to great distinction though few were aware of his true origins. He headed up trade negotiations and brokered deals for aid with systems that had suffered the Republic’s neglect. During a few missions Rey learned that the people had been terrified of the potential consequences after the Hosnian System was destroyed, but under Kylo Ren’s leadership, they had cause to hope. Democracy and representation was important, but when their concerns were brushed aside in favor of more lucrative measures, their need to survive became more important than what day the Reform should be celebrated. 

Rey wouldn't admit it, but she was growing more frustrated with their bond and its continuous need to open during the most inconvenient moments. After their first confrontation a couple days after they left Crait, Rey wanted to forget Ben Solo and the loss she felt. It irked her that she felt like she’d lost something that day. The words they spoke to each other were not the worst things said between them, but their remembrance still pained her. She hoped the bond would disappear and leave her some peace after Crait, but with every connection though they couldn’t speak—she began to wish for it to connect.

Several times, Ben was forced to turn away from her in a very deliberate fashion to not arouse any suspicion from anyone he might be speaking with at the time. It seemed like the man was always on the move whenever they were connected—pacing, training, fighting, or walking from place to place. If the bond hadn't opened to him sleeping one night, Rey would have wondered if the man slept at all.

Rey sat on her bunk in a meditative pose, trying and failing to clear her mind from the words of Kylo Ren’s first broadcast that continued to course through like a string of never-ending code.

`````

_Kylo stood before the Galaxy in his first address as the Supreme Leader, “The Galaxy can't move forward if it continues to live in the past. I've seen what good the Republic could do for the Galaxy—but I also know of its neglect. The Rebellion destroyed the Emperor and his empire and pieced together a new government based on the former Republic. But they didn't take into account the weaknesses of that governing body, which allowed the rise of Palpatine in the first place.”_

_Rey stood amongst the rest of the Resistance when the broadcast had started. Supreme Leader Ren's imposing image over the Holonet was quite impressive, though Rey didn't dare voice that thought aloud. Rey did notice Leia watching Ben as he spoke with a thoughtful expression on her face. Without turning her gaze from Ben's image, Rey couldn't tell for sure, but she thought she saw Leia nodding slightly to some of Ben's points. She still could not help the feelings of disappointment from creeping into her mind at the sight of him taking the mantle from Snoke to continue his quest for galactic domination. It was also the first broadcast where he showed his face to the public instead of hiding behind his helmet. She could see Leia drinking in the image of her son before her eyes. Rey wished she could have brought him back for Leia, so she could see her son in person. But it didn’t work out that way despite her fleeting hope._

_He went on to give an outline of the vision he has for the Galaxy. And though she wanted to tune it out and focus on the people surrounding her, his words hit her deeply. His words were directly related to her own life experience. **Was he trying to make a point to her? Did her words really affect him that much?** She half-listened to the rest of his speech as her mind raced and her heart beat a fast staccato on her chest. She didn't want to hope. But maybe he wasn't lost._

`````

There were several broadcasts since the first, and they continued to run along the same vein. It was suggested by Leadership that it was a propaganda campaign meant to pull support away from the Resistance and their mission towards democracy. Rey might have agreed with them if she hadn’t seen first-hand how much his actions had helped those suffering. Her mind kept returning to the first broadcast after Crait. 

She was supposed to be working with the Resistance to restore democracy, but with the latest news from systems accepting First Order rule, Rey wondered at the cost of fighting. She thought about the outcome and how it could be different if she’d accepted his hand and if she would feel as lost with him as she did without. Rey couldn't help feeling guilty though there was no reason to be. They were technically on opposing sides of a war, and she _should_ be looking for every advantage to exploit, but she couldn't. Rey wondered if that made her a traitor.

As the Holonet continued to report on the First Order's activities, Rey became more desperate to speak with Ben. Rey would never regret her decision to keep the Resistance fleet from total destruction while on _T_ _he Supremacy_. She did wish she could have made Ben see that her desire to stop the slaughter did not change her desire to be close to him. It was just unfortunate that the time to act had been slipping away as the First Order destroyed the ships while he offered her his hand. Rey made a decision, though it broke her heart to do it. They were at odds, and Rey didn't know how to bridge the gap that had opened up between them. Everyday she learned something new about the Force or sought to perfect a fighting technique; and she wished she could share it with Ben.

The Resistance had started to feel stifling. Spending time with Finn and Rose always helped to put a smile on her face. And listening to Leia's stories broke up the monotony of training. But certain attitudes of pilots and leadership about gaining tactical advantage over the First Order in Outer Rim systems, left Rey feeling _wrong._ She wondered if some cared more about winning the war than seeing the Galaxy at peace.

````

After she failed to clear her mind, Rey grabbed a ration bar she'd scavenged from the mess area and started to nibble on it. She'd been up early to train and was barely able to concentrate on the afternoon meal after seeing the most recent broadcast and found herself feeling a little peckish. If the Holonet was to be believed, then the slave trade was going to become a lot less lucrative and a punishable offence for thos that supported and practiced it. She tried not to think it, considering the state of their bond, but Rey couldn’t help but wonder if this action was taken because of her and her upbringing on Jakku.

She knew that she didn't need to hide food away anymore, that the Resistance was able to keep enough food around that she never had to worry about going hungry again, but old habits were hard to break. Rey just felt more comfortable having a little something close at hand should she need it. Deep down, she always felt like that scavenger, but she was determined never to feel that helpless ever again. Looking at the little bar in her hand, Rey couldn't help but wonder what the food would be like in the First Order. Was there a variety among the ranks, or did everyone eat the same thing? Were there fresh fruits and vegetables, or was it processed, bland, and serviceable? 

Checking the chrono on her bedside, she noticed it was getting close to the hour. There was a scheduled meeting that Leia asked Rey to sit in on after they saw the latest broadcast. She had been training so wasn’t aware of the exact message, but from the whispers she’d heard around the base, Kylo had started making changes to the Stormtrooper program Brushing off her clothing, Rey stood up and stretched after sitting still for so long and started to walk toward the door. The bond chose that moment to connect them. She was surprised to see that Ben hadn't moved as soon as the bond snapped into place. 

She said so much when the bond connected a day after Crait. Rey felt hurt an humiliated at her failure and gave him an earful in anger. Her emotions were running so close to the surface, and she remembered her reaction with embarrassed sadness.

**

_Rey paced the small storage room as much as she could in the confined space she found on the Falcon. She wanted to yell, scream, fight, anything to remove the painful feelings she felt in her chest._

_"Oh, so this bond is still connecting us?" Rey said bitterly._

_"Sorry to disappoint you." His jaw stiff; it was surprising he was able to speak any words at all._

_"Not as sorry as I am." Rey looked at him, breathing harshly, and her eyes glared at him. "I thought the Force was trying to show me something. But it was just a trick. A lie that I wanted to believe so badly that I sent myself into the heart of the First Order to bring someone back that never existed."_

_Kylo bared his teeth and curled his hands into fists but remained where he was. "It seems I was deluded to think that you would be different. But no—you want to twist me and mold me into something more acceptable than what I am. I wasn't good enough for_ **_them,_ ** _but it thought with you—I don't know what came over me. Now they're both gone and it no longer matters. My only mission now is to make sure the Galaxy is fixed from the travesty created by the Republic."_

 _His words hit like a ton of permacrete; Rey felt her breath rush out at his accusation. The reply on the tip of her tongue slipped away before she could use them as a weapon against the one that crushed her heart in her chest._ **_What?_ **

_Rey let the anger and feelings of betrayal fall away as she truly looked at the man before her. His body was rigid, and his eyes were hard as he glared at her, but underneath, she could sense the truth that he covered with harsh words._

_She cast her memory back to what she remembered of the immediate aftermath in the throne room. When the last body fell, Rey's mind went to the fleet fleeing from their pursuers. She felt energized, worried, exhilarated, and so many other emotions after the carnage had finished, but in him—nothing._

_It felt like a hole where his anger, frustration, and determination had been moments before. She didn't know what to think about the void of emotions when he stared at the remains of his former master._

_Now, Rey wondered why she didn't question his reaction. Her mind was on the fleet, and he was elsewhere._ _There had been a flicker of emotion rise when she raised her hand towards him, but Rey didn't focus on it or its meaning at the time; her mind was made up about what needed to be done. And she reached for the lightsaber instead of trying to figure out his barrage of emotions._ **_If I had asked him to end the killing and accepted his hand, what would have happened?_ **

_`_

_With her mind and body calm, she could feel the emotions pulsing from her bond-mate. As closed off as Ben was after the fight, he was suddenly radiating complex and conflicting emotions. Pain stuttered along the bond for Rey to feel in full force, and though she was angry, she couldn't let him continue to believe that lie. When she heard what happened on the Raddus, Rey was stunned that Leia managed to survive such an ordeal. She was certain that without the Force, Leia would be dead. She opened her mouth to tell him that Leia lived, but the moment was stolen when the bond closed as quickly as it opened._

_Her limbs lost the last dregs of adrenaline that kept her body functioning, and she crumpled to the ground in a heap. Pulling her knees into her chest, she breathed deeply to keep from breaking down completely. Staring at the dust-covered floor, she lost track of time. It could have been minutes or hours later—she didn't know or care—when Finn entered the room and offered his hand in silence. And though she accepted his hand, she felt a pang of regret for the hand she did not take._

**

She looked at the man she shared a Force bond and noticed his hesitation. Ben looked at her as if expecting her to verbally attack him, but Rey had no intention of hurling poisonous words at him. So many questions and worries ran through her head. Rey was certain if he chose that moment to peek inside her mind, he would be met with a swirling storm of chaos without order or reason to tell her feelings from her thoughts. 

Rey didn't know what to say, and it appeared that Ben was suffering from the same affliction though he was able to open his mouth a couple of times before closing them without a word uttered out loud.

And then the bond closed, and she lost any chance or organizing her thoughts into words.

Rey wished she could knock her head against the wall for being an idiot. She had plenty to say to him, but her words had deserted her completely. Rey resigned herself to another meeting where she would be forced into the same room as Poe and she wasn’t looking forward to it.

Poe had started to whittle away at the last sliver of patience she had. The man could be insufferable if he wanted to be, and though she was aware of his charming personality, his attitude since Ben's new direction was starting to bother her. Rey realized very quickly that Poe was quite the flirt around the base, and though it annoyed her when he turned his focus in her direction, Rey was well versed in avoiding unwanted attention. It was plain to see that the man wouldn't attempt anything unless feelings were reciprocated, but his prodding and focused efforts on her were starting to affect her mood. She couldn't understand his thought process. Poe had apparently, learned a little about past Jedi and their forgoing attachments in favor of peace. So he expected that Rey had chosen the same attitude towards love and affection because she turned him down, so he would needle her about what she was missing out on. Rey decided not to correct him on this belief at first but was tempted to tell him that she just wasn't interested in _his_ attentions. His semi-flirtatious comments and needling aside, she was tempted to argue with him about his inability to be flexible and adapt to situations that had nothing to do with flying. When he had an idea in his head he dug in his heels and wouldn't change his stance.

It was his comments made around the First Order policies made Rey wonder if they had access to the same information. Poe seemed to believe that everything being reported was either a lie, trick, or device used to lull the Galaxy into a false sense of security before they roll out another "Starkiller" weapon to begin terrorizing again. Rey knew that Poe was an excellent pilot that cared about the Galaxy, but he could also be harder to move than a stubborn bantha, so trying to reason with him was out of the question. Rey chose to leave his attitude for Leia to correct. She had her own worries that she needed to reconcile with first.

  
With shoulders high and gritted teeth, Rey left her room and hoped she could get a seat in the back so she could slip out quickly at the end.  
  
***  
  


Rey listened in silence as the briefing flowed from intel gathering, supply run schedules to recruit statistics. The whole meeting could have been summarized in a message set out on datapads, in Rey's opinion, rather than sitting through the last ten minutes of the strategy session concerning the First Order’s new tactics and the Resistance's response. 

Rey hoped the meeting would end soon as she wanted to rest before the evening mess. Her sleep cycle had been disrupted for the third night in a row due to dreams that continued to plague her. She tried to keep her mind in the present and the meeting, but she could feel her energy lagging, and her body was ready to curl up in her seat and fall asleep. Rey didn't know what tactic she should try next for a peaceful night’s sleep. It felt like she had tried everything under the twin suns but could find no relief.

She'd followed the advice of her friends in the hope that their advice would prove useful. Her friends wanted to help with her "nightmares," and Finn was growing more concerned by the day. But Rey didn't know what to say. If she had actually been suffering from nightmares, she might have found some wisdom in her friend's assistance. But Rey wasn't suffering from nightmares in the traditional sense. Her dreams weren't filled with terror or horrific memories. Instead, she was attacked by feelings of guilt and hypothetical scenarios about the _Supremacy_ and events that occurred after. 

There was even the occasional vision of Ben's death, though Rey could not pinpoint the cause. 

Some dreams ended with Ben dying by her hand, in battle with the Resistance, or by some faceless First Order personnel. The dreams that tortured her the most were those about a future that could never happen. Visions of the two of them happy, together with a family. Rey knew those possibilities would forever be out of her reach because of the decision she made in the throne room that day. 

Something would have to give. And though Rey was loathed to admit it, she didn't know which side she would stand for if it did.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


End file.
